Final Fantasy IX...my way!!!!!
by Shorty6
Summary: Okay! this is my first humor fic so go easy. this is just what FF9 would be like if i made it! hope u like! PLZ R&R. maybe if i get enough good reveiws i'll continue!!!
1. Chapter 1: Let the Madness Begin!!

FFIX: my way!!!!!!!  
  
Okay! I'm jus showing you all how it would be if I made FF9. No kiddies allowed!!!!  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own FFIX or the characters in it so there! XP  
  
  
  
Chapter 1: the madness begins  
  
  
  
A tiny boat rocked wildly across the sea over the waves and such. There was a cloaked woman and little girl in it. The woman looked over the side of the ship and threw up. "Mom!" the little girl called. The woman fell over the side of the ship, the little girl rushing over to see her slip under the water.  
  
A beautiful dark-haired teenager opened her eyes after a weird dream.  
  
She held her head, "man I have got to stop drinking."  
  
She held her dress and walked over to the window, pushing it open. She smiled as she felt the wind blow threw her hair and around, the lake below the castle glistening as always. The birds were flying around but unfortunately… "Ahh!" Garnet screamed. She struggled to get the white stuff out of her hair only for it to be followed by lots and lots of other wads of bird poop. Garnet pulled her hands back, "Die you flying bastards!" She cast Holy on all of them and slammed the window shut.  
  
Meanwhile on an airship called the Prima Vista a boy with a tail was on his way to a meeting with the rest of his gang. He slid down the pole, only to roll over a bump, hurt himself and fall down the rest of the way.  
  
He rubbed his blonde head, "damn I hate that!" He got up and brushed himself off, heading toward yet another door. He looked around, "Sure is dark. Guess no body got here yet." He lit the candles in the middle of the room and the whole room lit up. But the door on his right burst open and 3 boys jumped him. He fought them all off and stood up, "you idiots! It's me Zidane!" Blank shook his head; "you should announce yourself before you come in!" Cinna nodded, "yeah!" "Shut up you ugly bastard," Zidane replied, folding his arms. But then a guy in a dragon costume jumped out. Zidane shook his head and walked over to it. "Take the shit off Baku," Zidane said, tapping his foot. Baku slumped over, "I can't have any fun can I?" "Last time you almost cut off Marcus' head! Let's get this damn thing over with!" Zidane replied. All of them went inside a room.  
  
"Okay! Here's the plan! Once we get there we're gonna perform 'I Wanna Be Your Ho' and then that'll be your cue Zidane!" Baku said. Zidane shrugged, "ain't no shit." Cinna held up a Prima Vista model, "then you gotta bring Garnet here before the fat ass queen finds out she's gone." Blank held up a little biggish thing, "I'll stuff her panties with oglops!" Zidane chuckled, "if they even sell any her size, her ass is too fat for anything." Marcus held up a Garnet doll, "so we're gonna kind nap her right?" All of them except Marcus said, "no duh!" Marcus shrugged, "I just asked!"  
  
A little dark kid looked up at the sky as the Prima Vista entered the port. But unfortunately one little part of the ship hit him in the back of the head which made him fall on a rat kid. "Ahh!" the little rat kid screamed. "Get the fuck off, dammit!" Vivi fell back on his ass, "huh?" "Hey! Lemme see your ticket!" he said, jumping up. Vivi handed it over and looked at him. "This shit is fake! Aha!!!!" the little rat kid laughed. Vivi cast fire on his little ratty ass and walked off in a huff. The rat kid ran after him, "wait! I could get you into the theater easy!" Vivi turned around, "really?" "Yeah! No shit!" the rat kid replied. "Wait, what's your name?" Vivi asked. "Puck!" Puck replied. Vivi grinned, showing his teeth, "Puck…Puck? AHAHAHA!!!!!" "Shut up! Now what's your name mother fucker?" Puck said with a tear coming out of his eye. "Bruce Lee!" Vivi replied. Puck folded his arms, "No it ain't bitch! What's your real name?" "Vivi, okay! Geez!" Vivi said with an obvious pout. Puck shook his head, "alright let's go!"  
  
After climbing and shit like that they finally arrived and stood behind a woman and her child. Puck made a face at the little kid and he started to cry. "Haha!!" Puck chuckled. But he got smacked by the kid's mother. "Serves you right you delinquent!" the woman said with an angry face. But soon the curtains rose and Baku said his lines.  
  
Meanwhile in the back, Zidane and Blank were beating up some punk ass soldiers who didn't know which way was up. Zidane put on the armor and so did Blank. Zidane made up his face, "I think I made him shit in his pants." Blank clutched his fists, "oh please! There's shit in the pockets, there shit in the boots and there's shit in the shirt! Damn these idiots are dirty!" Zidane shook his head, "I get the point, now let's get going." They ran out of the room and Zidane ran up the stairs, but he bumped into a hooded girl. She got up and brushed herself off, "you bastard! Watch where you're going!" Zidane got up and brushed off his pants. He looked up at her and boom! He fell in love. "What are you staring at?" she asked. "Have we met?" Zidane asked. "I don't think so, but can you please let me pass? I'm in a hurry," she said, her temper returning to normal. "Wait a second," Zidane said, holding up his hand. He circled her and then circled her again. "Nah, I don't think so. I wouldn't have let you go, not with your nice ass and that pretty face." The girl blushed and ran down the stair case. But Zidane gave chase.  
  
Back on stage those 2 bear thingies were holding Marcus. "We found him in Cornelia's chamber! He was trying to fuck her I'm sure!" one of them said. King Leo or Baku stroked his beard, "is that so! Well then! When the bell tolls 3 times your ass is as good as dead!"  
  
At that very second, 2 retarded clowns were on their way to queen Brahne's balcony. They kept bumping into each other while they were trying to talk so they said nothing. They walked in but a fat guy in armor blocked them. "You fat bastard! We need to see the queen, NOW!" the red one quirked. "The queen we need to see now!" the blue one repeated. General Beatrix walked up to them, "Is it an emergency?" "Ah! Sexy General Beatrix! Yes it is! The princess is missing!" the blue one announced. Beatrix put her hand on her hip, "I'll see what I can do." 'That Beatrix! She's always trying to one-up me, and she's so much sexier than me!' the fat guy thought. Beatrix did her salute, "Your Majesty-" "Shut up tramp! Can't you see I'm watching the play?!" the queen yelled. "But Your Majesty! The princess is missing!" Beatrix explained. "What?! Do I have to tell you everything? If she's missing go look for her ya dumbass!!!!" Brahne yelled, pointing a finger. Beatrix nodded, "right."  
  
Without the queen's instruction, the fat guy ran out to go on a search of his own. He ran out and yelled, "Knights of Neptune! Assemble!!!!!!" No one came. "Hello!!!!" A nearby Alexandrian soldier put her hand on her hips, "you sent them on vacation dumb ass! There's only 2 left!" he scratched his head, "uh…yes that's right!" So he took his fat ass downstairs and ran around hopelessly looking for the princess.  
  
Meanwhile…Zidane's chasing wasn't going so well. "Get back here!!!!" Zidane shouted. The girl turned her head and giggled, "not a chance!" She ran around the roof of the castle 4 laps and then climbed up on the brick edge. Zidane looked up at her, "get down here!" She smiled, "if you want my ass so bad why don't you just ask?" She jumped into his arms and smiled. "You know you do," she said with a wink. But sooner or later, the big fat guy in armor came chasing after them. So Zidane dropped the girl over the edge and jumped down after. He caught her by her hood and swung across. But the big fat guy wasn't so successful.  
  
Zidane landed inside and looked around. "Where'd that chick go?" he asked himself. But out of nowhere she fell on his back and sat there. "Oww…" he whined softly. The girl took off her hood and revealed herself to be Princess Garnet after all. She stood up and gave a bow, running off. So Zidane got up and chased her. He chased her all the way to a dead end and she stopped. "So…you give…up?" Zidane said, panting like hell. She turned around, "like you might've known before, I'm Garnet, Princess of Alexandria!" "I knew it!" Zidane almost shouted. "But I have to ask you something quick! Kidnap me you bastard, now!" Garnet ordered. Zidane shrugged, "that's what we were gonna do anyway! C'mon!" So Zidane pick her up and put her over his shoulder.  
  
Skipping ahead…  
  
Garnet had just been 'stuck' with a sword and was lying on the floor. But Puck and Vivi got caught and the soldier chased Vivi onto the stage. "Leave me alone bastard!" Vivi shouted, powering up. He shot a fire blast but missed and hit Garnet. She jumped up and around trying to get her hood off. "Dammit that burned, you little bitch!" Garnet shouted. She threw it off but the fire caught onto her bow. "Ahh! My hair is on fire! Get it out! Get it out! Get it out! Get it out!!!" Garnet shouted. "Ehehe…oops!" Vivi said, casting a water spell. Garnet was drenched. Now you all know she was wearing a white blouse, right? Drool spilled out Zidane, Marcus and Blank's mouths like water falls. Garnet covered her chest. "You're all perverted bastards!" Garnet said, casting Mini on everyone. Zidane and his tiny self jumped up, "they're soo much bigger from down here!" Garnet put her foot above her head, "say that one more time and I'll put my foot down on your pea brain!"  
  
Okay! Chapter 1 is done! Hope u liked!!!  
  
Shorty ~_^ 


	2. Chapter 2: Let the Madness Continue!

Chapter 2: Let the Madness Continue!  
  
Zidane was getting pretty fed up with Dagger and her slowness.  
  
"Dagger will you just get on the damn ship?!" Zidane yelled.  
  
Dagger shook her head, "No." Zidane sucked his teeth and pushed her over to the ladder.  
  
"Alright dammit! I'll get on!" Dagger shouted, grabbing onto the ladder.  
  
She climbed up with Zidane after her. Zidane smirked and pulled his hand back. He grinned and smacked her in the ass.  
  
"AHH!"  
  
Dagger looked down and punched him off, which made him fall off the ladder. But somehow he got back on. He climbed up to the top with half his wardrobe ripped.  
  
"C'mon, Dagger, you know I didn't- well okay I did do that on purpose, but still! You didn't have to hit me!" Zidane explained.  
  
Dagger shook her head and pulled Vivi inside. She turned around and said, "maybe I trust you maybe I don't, but don't touch my ass ever again."  
  
Zidane turned around and folded his arms, "oh well. I can wait 'til she's all hot and shit then I'll get her.BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA...HA.whoo o.ahem.I shouldn't do that anymore."  
  
The door opened and Dagger was there. "Zidane shut up and come inside! You have to see this!"  
  
Zidane rolled his eyes and went inside. Inside were Vivi and a lot of other older Vivis and they were all smoking and drinking whisky and playing poker.  
  
"See Zidane? It's like one whole Black Mage shit hole! Huh?" Dagger said but before she could finish, Zidane had already went over and started smoking with them. Vivi waved at Dagger. "HEY BITCH! WE'RE GONNA PLAY STRIP POKER!"  
  
Dagger sweatdropped but took out her rod. She made up her face and bonked all of them on the head for even daring to say that and to snap them out of it. Zidane held his head and looked at Dagger. "Oh c'mon Dagger! Take it off! Take it off! TAKE IT OFF!" Zidane cheered.  
  
Dagger sighed, "Hey Shorty can we puh-lease get on with this damn story?"  
  
Shorty: Sure! Sorry Dagger!  
  
Dagger smiled, "Thanks!"  
  
So anyway, Zidane went upstairs to change the direction of the ship. Steiner was there whining like a little bitch so he just went on his way. He turned the ship around and all but a black mage with wings chased them. It landed on the ship just as Vivi and Dagger came upstairs. The Black Waltz No. 3 grabbed Vivi by his collar and pointed at Dagger.  
  
"Is that yours?" he said.  
  
Vivi looked at Dagger, "uhhh.yeah! That's my bitch!"  
  
"What?!" Dagger replied, whirling around.  
  
"I came to take her back to Alexandria but u-um.if you'll let me have her for.an hour or so I'll re-consider," the Black Waltz stammered.  
  
Dagger put her hands on her hips, "now wait just a second here-"  
  
"Sure!" Vivi said with a smile. Then all the other mages came up and got upset.  
  
"NOO!! NOO!!! NOO!!" they all chanted.  
  
Black Waltz got upset and destroyed all the other mages except Vivi. But guess who was listening?  
  
Zidane burst out the top of the pilot area in trance.  
  
"Vivi you liar! You know she's MY bitch!!!" Zidane growled.  
  
"Um.guys-" Dagger tried to interrupt.  
  
Vivi got trance and cast thunder on Zidane twice, but Zidane did Grand Lethal and killed him.  
  
Dagger slapped him, "Zidane! Vivi IS NOT supposed to die yet!!!!"  
  
"Oh yeah! Sorry," Zidane said with a grin.  
  
Black Waltz blinked, "so she's your bitch?" "Yep!" Zidane said with a smirk.  
  
Dagger sucked her teeth and took over the ship. Zidane folded his arms and looked at Black Waltz No. 3.  
  
"I'll charge you 600,000,000 Gil for my bitch, 600,000,000 bucks an hour, and you can have her tight, sweet ass," Zidane explained.  
  
Black Waltz got upset, "WHAT?! 600,000,000 GIL AN HOUR?! YOU FILTHY BASTARD!"  
  
Black Waltz flew off the ship and took the 2 retarded clowns' ship. Zidane ran back to the pilot thingy and stood next to Dagger. Dagger was heading straight for South Gate. She wanted to get there and she wanted to get there fast!  
  
"Dagger slow down!" Zidane warned.  
  
Dagger looked at him and smiled. "Huh?" Zidane asked, sort of confused. "Slow down huh? Shouldn't I be saying that to you?" Dagger replied. Zidane's eyebrows went up and he grinned. Dagger turned her head back to the gate when Steiner ran in.  
  
"That Black Waltz is after us! He keeps saying 'I want my bitch for free'!" Steiner explained.  
  
Dagger's eyebrows twitched, "I'm a bitch, huh?"  
  
Dagger looked at Zidane and Vivi with a cold stare and then back at the gate. She started going so fast, Black Waltz No.3 got caught in her dust but he still chased after them. She flew through the gate but Black Waltz 3 got through.  
  
Dagger growled, "hold on you bastards!"  
  
Dagger swerved and got out by 2 inches. Blackie, on the other hand, burst into flames after he slammed in the South Gate's doors.  
  
Dagger turned around, "Who the bitch again?"  
  
Zidane, Vivi and Steiner blinked. "Keep it that way," Dagger said with a wide-open smirk.  
  
Skipping ahead just a little.  
  
Zidane, who was temporarily dressed in Lindblum Castle armor, was on the elevator on his way to the top level. He was following a beautiful voice, slightly off key to be honest but beautiful nonetheless. He took off the armor before leaving because #1 it was uncomfortable and he wanted Dagger to recognize him. HE walked all the way up, past the guy be the machinery who, also, thought Dagger was with Zidane. As much as he wanted to say yes, he really couldn't stand having to go through the tail pull again. Very painful.  
  
He walked up to the balcony, as the voice sounded closer. He walked up the stair to find Dagger singing to the doves he sighed but the birds started to fly away. Dagger turned around and made up her ace. She snapped her finger and all the doves got into formation.  
  
Zidane looked up, "What the hell?!"  
  
All of them passed over him and dropped heavy wads of poop all over him. Dagger dusted off her hands and laughed.  
  
"Bitch." Zidane mumbled.  
  
"How did you get up here? This area is restricted," Dagger asked.  
  
"Then how did you get up here?" Zidane asked. "U-um.let's not talk about that, huh?" Dagger replied. "Chee-yeah, I know," Zidane said with a smirk.  
  
"Anyway.nice song, slightly off key but it was fine," Zidane said, scratching his head.  
  
"Hey, how were you guys gonna kidnap me, huh?" Dagger asked.  
  
"Well, we were gonna put weed in your cup and then take you when you were all high and shit," Zidane explained. "And then we were gonna.heh heh.while you had no idea what was going on."  
  
"You were gonna what?!" Dagger growled.  
  
"But then were thought that one over and decided to use 'sleeping' weed instead. Y' know, put you to sleep and then bring you here," Zidane concluded.  
  
"Hmm.you think I can borrow some? I've been having a bit of trouble sleeping lately," Dagger replied.  
  
"Nah, not a very good idea, you could get addicted," Zidane answered. "And I wasn't going to get addicted to the weed you were gonna give me?" Dagger asked, folding her arms. "Well.maybe you just need some company, ne?" Zidane replied with a grin. Dagger licked her lips, "you think I'd say no?"  
  
Zidane's eye brows shot up. Dagger winked. Zidane pointed at a telescope to get off the subject.  
  
"U-uh, why don't we go look at the telescope, huh?" Zidane suggested.  
  
Dagger sighed, "Whatever."  
  
Zidane chuckled and walked her over to the telescope. "U-um.you can look first," Zidane said with A grin. Dagger shrugged, "no thanks." Zidane stood up on the edge of the balcony.  
  
"Hey!" Zidane shouted. "The Festival of Rabid Monsters is starting this afternoon!"  
  
"So?" Dagger asked.  
  
"If I win.will ya be my bitch for real?" Zidane asked with a grin. "C'mon! Just one fuck?"  
  
"What the hell?!" Dagger yelled.  
  
"PLEASE?! Just one?" Zidane pleaded. "Fine.fine.but only if you win," Dagger sighed.  
  
Just to make a long story short.he won. 


End file.
